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katehaney

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05:36 am: small struggle (navel gazing)
At least, it feels small. Or petty. Yet it's a big one for me and, from what I hear and read, for many women in business.

Bragging. Tooting my own horn. Getting credit when it's due. (In order from truly obnoxious to mildly uncomfortable.)

Ugh. I hate it. HATE IT. How I hate it! I need to do more of it. But it feels so wrong to me.

Not getting credit. I quite like that. In fact, one of My Issues is that I hate not getting it. But credit is something other people give you, not that you take. Or at least that's my visceral feeling, which is probably one of the problems.

My Grandma* told me, a couple or three decades ago, that it's better for people to discover good things about you than for you to tell them yourself.

Mebbe so, but that doesn't get you promotions or raises or recognition.

I like promotions, raises, and recognition. Or at least I like the fact of recognition. The act makes me squirm. So maybe I like having been recognized, not the recognition itself.

Every time there are awards at my company, I end up feeling slighted. Even when I win them, I feel slighted (e.g., my team got a big award in the spring - cool! - but I didn't get an individual award, despite having driven a huge project and personally sacrificed a great deal to get the work done). When I don't win them, it's worse.

(Yes, I didn't win an award yesterday. I got nominated, which helped more than I expected.)

I don't like this in myself. Especially the pettiness. But also the struggle to stand up and be counted. I want someone else to do the counting, dammit.

I suspect it relates to a middle child thing, too. I grew up feeling that my problems weren't important enough, my triumphs weren't big enough, I wasn't enough. I've always been autonomous, too, and I'm sure that part of the lack of recognition I've felt has been the air I project of not needing it. I've been told this is so by various people throughout my life. So I come back again, as I often do, to wanting versus needing and how to get what I want even if I don't need it.

I have become much better at tooting my own horn, but I have a long way to go. I suspect my manager will be very helpful as well, both in helping me and at doing some tooting herself.


* I think it was Grandma, anyway. Maybe I imagined that part. It was certainly something she lived. But maybe I read it in Miss Manners.

Current Location: Longmeadow
Current Mood: depresseddepressed

Comments

[User Picture]
From:swingchickie
Date:October 6th, 2009 10:55 am (UTC)
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this is one of my biggest struggles at work. i've received plenty of awards, but there are times when i bust my ass and hope for recognition for something, and it doesn't come, and i'm devastated. just 2 weeks ago, there was a big staff meeting and a VP was there in attendance... i really thought he was there to give me an award for how i've done on my current massive project... instead he just thanked our team for our hard work and left. my heart sank.

i'm sorry you didn't get the award yesterday. unfortunately sometimes people have no idea what miracles you have to pull out of your a** to make a project go.
[User Picture]
From:katehaney
Date:October 6th, 2009 01:24 pm (UTC)

thanks

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Much as I hate the idea that you've dealt with the same thing, it helps to know I'm not alone!

The thing yesterday was utterly stupid. Not entirely a joke, but not far off (the award was a small plastic animal), and *still* it bugged me that I didn't win. That's how petty I am!

It didn't help at all that the person who did win is a current thorn in my side. He's a really, really nice person who consistently fails to notice (or at least to acknowledge) how much help others (I) give *him*, particularly when he's being recognized for helping third parties. He's never once said - either publicly or privately - "thanks for your role in making me look good."

But he is a good person. He means well. He's just a bit socially retarded.

:sigh:

Edited at 2009-10-06 01:25 pm (UTC)
From:(Anonymous)
Date:October 7th, 2009 01:19 pm (UTC)

You need a medal!

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You were the thing in my life I had to try not to brag about! Middle or no, you always led the pack, which was tough on your siblings. We loved you all enormously, but we worried least about you.
So sorry all we felt didn't come across.

YoMaMa
[User Picture]
From:katehaney
Date:October 7th, 2009 02:02 pm (UTC)

Thanks! :sniff:

(Link)
I've always been oblivious, sometimes in good ways (peer pressure), sometimes not so much (parental pride).

I held on to resentment for much longer than I should have. Now that I'm dealing with Teh Child, I have far more sympathy and understanding of what y'all were juggling with 3. I can't even imagine!

And I couldn't ask for better parents. You're my role models.
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