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katehaney

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08:00 am: 30 Days of Truth: Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
I have given up on occasion, in the sense of not doing anything to make my situation or emotional state better, being absolutely passive and letting life happen to me, sure. The first few weeks of Teddy's life were pretty much that - getting through day to day or even hour to hour, letting things just roll over me. Just being there was enough for Teddy and I didn't have enough energy to do anything more for me (or Peter or family or friends or random strangers).

I've also thought about taking a more active role in giving up, but never for more than an hour or two. Not long enough to implement, thank goodness. I've had a couple of bouts of bad depression, but having read people like Dooce and Finslippy, I know that my experiences were more like temporary bad moods than actual depression. I so admire the strength with which those women have addressed their far-more serious issues.

And at that, I only remember a couple of really down times in my life - one when John and I were breaking up and he was psychotic but I didn't realize it yet (he was definitely nuts, but not yet full-fledged wacko). That must have been, I dunno, 1993 or so? I didn't understand how love could wither away. When the relationship was clearly failing, I was completely confused about how that could happen after I'd worked so hard at it.

...then he went over the deep end and I got therapy and I realized that a lot of the effort I asserted was to subsume myself in him, which was stupid and unproductive and ultimately probably undermined the relationship rather than strengthened it. Or if didn't undermine the relationship, then it prolonged one that should've ended much sooner.

A couple years later, when I was finishing my first Master's Degree, I realized that I'd met no men while studying computer science (it's a gift, I tell ya: my don't-fuck-with-me vibe never yields, even when my heart is thinking "please, someone fuck with me" [sorry Mum!]), was being paid less than all the men with less experience and no degree (none of whom wanted to fuck with me either, dammit) in my department, was stuck in the middle of some truly unpleasant family stuff, had bought a house all by myself and had no prospects of ever sharing my life with anyone ever. :DEEP BREATH:

So, yeah, I decided my life sucked and I should kill myself. And a couple of key family members too, because I didn't want them to suffer either.

That one lasted a couple of hours, I think.

So really? Not so much. I'm basically a fairly optimistic person. I have a fairly easy time seeing the good side of things and people and situations, I think.

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