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katehaney

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05:14 pm: 30 Days of Truth: Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Unfortunately, there are quite a few things I hate about myself. Xanthleasma. Pimples (really? at age 47? WTF?). All the wonky things about my body, starting with lethargic metabolism and hustling on through the weird optic nerve, skeletal structure, feet, and so on. Many, many age-related issues.

But I don't think dwelling on my physical imperfections (which I do try to accept, though the underlying hatred does bubble up) will get me to the intended truths here.

I think I have a pretty good, pretty strong character. I'm cool with that. And mostly I'm cool with being an introvert.

But I do hate that I regress when I'm not prepared. As in, blushing, stammering, unable to speak coherently. This mostly manifests at work, which is just stellar for my career, I'm sure, but I have learned to weasel around it for the most part. It also happened at my high school reunion, and has happened occasionally since we moved, when someone, y'know, talks to me or something (most often a school parent). :shock: :stammer: :blush:

It appears to be outside my control. I can't go around preparing for every possible social interaction. I'm getting better at the parental-encounters thing, with practice. I practice like crazy before key work situations.

But I really, really could do without the blushing. I have absolutely no control over it. I know that I'll blush if attention is drawn to me in public (even on conference calls, fer pete's sake), if I meet someone I find attractive, if I do something embarrassing (creating an endless spiral of reddened doom), if someone compliments me (and I otherwise love getting compliments, as long as they're sincere), if I misspeak, if...

:sigh:

Hate it.

Current Location: Longmeadow
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
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